Thursday, November 20, 2008

But what about ME?

I never knew that taking care of a baby would be SO time-consuming.

Seriously. I feel like I have no life at all. And I'm sure all you moms out there are smirking and saying to yourselves, "We coulda told you that." In fact, many of you probably did, in one way or another. The thing I remember hearing the most was, "Having a baby changes your life!" Indeed it does. Indeed it does.

There are so many good and wonderful things about having a child. The love you feel for them is unequal to any other, the joy you get when they smile and laugh...

But they require so much attention! At least, mine does. It's a rare occasion when we leave Liam alone to play by himself and he doesn't cry. Today was one of those days. He can sit up now by himself, which is marvelous, so we had him playing with his toys for a good half hour without a whine. (There was drool, however, and LOTS of it. I've started putting bibs on him during the day to catch all the drool so his shirts don't get soaked.)

Anyway, it was really nice for me that I didn't have to hold him or pick up his dropped toys for him. He did good all by himself. A rare occasion.

I wish this behavior would continue. I want to do other things sometimes, like reading or crocheting or learning how to sew. Honestly, there are so many things and ideas in my head about what I would like to do, but I can hardly do any of them. I'm lucky if I get the dishes or the laundry done. I feel so exhausted at the end of each day. And I feel like I haven't really accomplished anything at all.

Do I sound selfish? To me, this sounds a little selfish. Aren't I supposed to be attentive to my baby's every need? Sometimes I feel like a lazy mom because I would rather be doing something else than wiping the cold spit off his chin while he's crying miserably at me.

I don't know where the balance is. I hear about all these moms who have anywhere from 2-7 kids, who are doing a fabulous job being a mom - teaching their children creative things, going on outings, etc. - but who also have their own lives. To me, that sounds like the ultimate. How do they do it? 

Maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself. Obviously Liam is too young to do art projects now. Will these desperate thoughts disappear once Liam starts being able to do more things on his own? But then at that point, isn't it about time to get pregnant with number two?

AAAAGGGHHHH!!! It never ends. For now, I guess the only thing to do is just do my best to love Liam and give him what he needs. 

I suppose I can be content with only crocheting two rows a night.


Anonymous said...

Don't worry. You'll feel better when your baby becomes three years old.

Wish you happy in China!

Anonymous said...

Hi Amy... i found your blog while looking for "phantom cries" online, since yesterday i found out this thing is true and i'm not actually going crazy.
I have a baby too... he's only seven weeks old, and i understand exactly what you are going through.
the only thing that keeps me from going insane is the thought that this phases where you dont sleep and do anything besides taking care of him will end at some point.
I share your frustration... it is desperating, and to be honest, i now understand why there's moms who abandon their babies and do such things. it is HARD work! Nobody tells you how hard...
You know, the amazing thing is, every day that passes, is one more day that they grow and they will never be the same again. That's what i tell myself: to enjoy him while he's so small, and get the most of it... even feeling absolutely exhausted every day, even thinking of how much i wish i could take a short vacation away from him... but what keeps me going is, that i am all he needs to live. i am his source of love, heat, food, diapers :) etc.
and, the best part is, that this boy will love you so much for the rest of his life.
dont feel guilty because you want to do other things. this is normal!!!
i would advise you to look for other moms of small babies to chat with wherever you're living... this makes the struggle so much easier, to know that other peopl suffer as much (and sometimes even more) as you.